“I am a mother . It’s tough , but I am tougher .”
“Postpartum ” chronicles-
I now have a 15 month old baby boy who’s favorite thing is saying ” What is it!?”
My hair is still shedding , but what’s new ?
My mom bod was definitely not ready for this summer heat . I am melting out here , damn Texas! Again what’s new? My Texas moms will surely relate. Then again there’s probably going to be some weirdos who enjoy this heat. ( We can’t be friends , if this is you.)
But I’ll tell you what’s new for me. The outside world.
There’s life out there?!
After 15 months of doing it on my own , I finally came clean to my husband about what I felt was depression.
Here’s the thing, it didn’t start until just a few months ago. I felt like such a shit mom for feeling like I needed time away from my son. I became annoyed , frustrated and upset at the constant touch and neediness. Talk about being a crappy mother!
I always somewhat resented my husband because when he came home, he could do whatever he wanted. Meanwhile I stayed behind , tending to our son. There was days I would act like such a bitch and made him feel bad for going with his friends. It wasn’t my intention , it was me being frustrated because I couldn’t do the same. I wasn’t able to shower without Luca , I can’t poop with out Luca . Luca is on my hip or my breast drinking “eche” (milk) majority of the day .
I didn’t know how to explain to him that I desired some time to myself . That I NEEDED some time to myself. I didn’t know how to make him understand what I was feeling. I felt trapped , in this ongoing repetitive routine of motherhood.
But here’s where my complicated ass struggled for real.
I felt guilty , disgustingly guilty and like the crappiest mother in the world. I mean I would cry so much at night , not understanding why I was feeling the way I did. I mean , what kind of mom desires to be away from their offspring ? That needs a break from them? Is annoyed by them ?
But it’s common, so common. We need to be mentally healthy and in tune with our selves to be fit to raise a human. It’s an overwhelming whirlwind of emotions being a mother , let alone a mother with no help. There’s countless days I feel like a single mother , because Anthony is gone so much .
But I’m hard headed, I refuse to ask for help when I need it. I’m convinced if I would of accepted the countless babysitting offers, I wouldn’t of hit this low.But I hate when people help, because it’s not their responsibility. I birthed my son, no one besides my husband or I should be looking after him.
As much as I craved alone time , I physically couldn’t let Luca be without me. Contradicting much? I won’t leave him with family or friends . Deep in my soul, it was because we’ve been inseparable since birth. Just him and I , day in day out. No one can care for him the way I can , I know his schedule . I know what he wants when he wants it . I know his body language .
But here’s my other problem , I’m an over thinker . In my mind the minute I leave him in the care of others , shit will happen. I played scenarios in my head of the worse imaginable things. What if I went out and it was the last time I saw my son? What if luca choked on food and left Earthside!? I mean the darkest things invaded my mind.
Mama, I made it !
The last time Anthony was in town , I finally caved into letting my mom look after Luca . We went on a much needed date . We took it back to where it all began – Cinemark Alliance. We watched the sequel to Sicario. ( it sucked don’t watch it )
I think I suffered more than anything. I wanted to cry on our way. I felt guilty for enjoying myself without Luca. I kept asking Anthony if he felt weird without Luca lol. But he leaves so often , I assume he’s used to it.
I also kept texting and bugging my mom so much to the point she was annoyed. She kept reassuring me that he was fine , that he didn’t even miss me. 😭
It was true , when we picked him up he didn’t even want to come with me! He was so busy enjoying his time with grandma and my brothers . They all said he didn’t even cry when we left ( but man I wanted to bawl lol.)
But it was awesome . My man and I reconnected, we needed that time to remind us of such love that ultimately led to the creation of another life. My mood increased . We plan on several more dates too! I am so thankful for him, for understanding me after several failed attempts to explain myself lol.
For the most part, I like to think of myself as pretty knowledgeable. I dive into books about everything and anything motherhood. But for that specific topic, I refused to read into it. In my mind, I was just a shit mom. That I didn’t deserve to be raising such human perfection. That I wasn’t meant to be a mom. It was such a mental fuck !
But I now know , it’s completely normal to feel the way I did. But like me , many hide it so well.
I often receive DMs of fellow mothers who look up to me in the way I raise Luca . Surprise ! It’s not all perfect. Don’t admire others, learn to admire yourself . Motherhood is an overall experience and I am so blessed that I have wonderful mothers surrounding me , that will guide me when needed.
I apologize for the unorganized storyline. I’m writing as I go , unfiltered.
Moms (and dads) if you’re struggling , seek help. Don’t be afraid as I was. Talk to ANYONE. I promise it’ll make you feel better. They won’t judge you , they will help you find your road. It takes a village right?